Looking for a desire to live

Not a reason, a desire. Reasons I have a few. My mother; if not a permanent job a quite time consuming one, my cat, (Yes, I know, the greats are coming),the small friends circle that I don’t want to be saddened  even momentarily if I was to die

Apart from that. Nothing. The emptiness of life. A wall that I can’t even climb or skirt round.

I long to live for myself. Not for others.

If I was to disappear right now, the world would not stop turning. It would probably even turn better. Someone less to pollute the planet. Who are we? Ants in the Universe. One less one more, who cares.

I’m tired to live for others. Not through them. For them. No desire, no longing for anything. A step after the other on the path of life, pushed by the wind of necessity.

Yes! Doing things for myself. That’s what I’d need, a craving to create, to act. To accomplish something. But no. Only nothingness.

In the past, I had food or drinking. Two things that were mine. I don’t even have that nowadays (even if it’s for the best. Or is it?)

Where is the door in the wall? Above? Spirituality? Been there done that. Below? Death? I even failed that twice!

If the door is on the right or on the left, sorry, I don’t see it…

Take a sledgehammer and break the wall? Use C4 to blow it? I don’t ha a terrorist mentality and no will to lose my marbles. At least the remaining ones. And I don’t see any other mean to get rid of the wall.

Nobody apart myself to find the exit

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